My Decent Melody

Hubby and I had a rare evening out tonight, made all the sweeter since his parents are visiting and were able to babysit for us. I left the mini van at home for them (you know, in case they wanted to take the baby out for ice cream and needed car seats) and so was driving hubby's car and enjoying his music selection. One of the CDs in the rotation is U2's All That You Can't Leave Behind, an album that I listened to repeatedly during a stressful period of my life back in 2004. I was studying for my comprehensive exams in graduate school (an endeavor which, by the way, does not sound at all stressful to me right now, compared to motherhood) and thinking that my life was so hard and that I was probably going to fail and that maybe I should quit. Blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, the song "Stuck in a Moment" was a favorite of mine then and the line that always got to me was, "You are such a fool/To worry like you do." I've been a fool like that almost my whole life, but I do think I'm learning to worry less.

I listened to the song tonight on my way downtown and different lyrics resonated with me. One was the line about trying to find "a decent melody/A song that I can sing/In my own company." Sometimes I lose my own melody and song. I start compare myself to others, especially other moms, and decide I am just not enough. But it's up to me to find a song, so to speak, that works for me. The melody that makes me happy. I may sound pitchy and off key, but if I can have fun singing it, then it's all good. (It's late and I've had two whole glasses of wine so please forgive the musical analogy, especially since I don't know much about music.)

There are times when I do feel stuck in my moment -- the moment when I lose patience with the kids, feel hopeless about the messes surrounding me, wish I had more close friends who lived close by, and, you know, blah, blah, blah. But Bono knows, "It's just a moment/This time will pass." I don't want time to pass too quickly, don't want my children to grow up too fast, don't want to look back and regret that I didn't enjoy it all more. No sir. But I do want to remember that I'm never really "stuck" and that I don't need to judge myself by my worst, most frustrating, toughest moments. Sometimes I let a "bad" morning become a frustrating afternoon and then the longest day ever. But, if "it's just a moment," the moment is over, and I can start over, find my melody and sing my song as best I can.