Sunday, January 16, 2011

Chariots of Diaper? Parent Olympics (Working Title)

I just scanned four months of a facebook friend's status updates hoping to find the one that inspired tonight's post. The gist of the update from this busy mom was that she wished there were an Olympic event in doing tasks with a baby on your hip because she would totally medal in that event.

As I regularly do household tasks with a baby on my hip, I could totally relate. And, ever since, I've been thinking about Olympic events for parents, specifically parents of small children.
Before I find the right venue for this competition, take the idea to corporate sponsors, and pick out my outfit for the Oprah show, I'm going to need your help.
First, we're going to need a name for the Parent Olympics because Parent Olympics is just not going to cut it. We need something a little edgier and also a little funnier. I liked the idea of the Iron Mom, as in, "Carb loading? Well, yes, I'm training for an Iron Mom," but then I think that Iron Mom might be a real thing or name for moms who train for those intense athletic endurance events. Then, I kept thinking of the novel, The Hunger Games (though my competition will be far less bloody) and have been testing names in my head . . . The Diaper Games, The Stroller Games -- urgh, I don't know, I'm stuck on this point, one of the reasons I haven't posted in ten days.
Let's move on to the events for these Parent Olympics (working title). I'm still not sure if the events will be individual events or if there will be a sort of obstacle course set up where the contenders move from one task to the next.
Here's what I have so far:
* Dishwasher Challenge: Contender approaches the top rack of a dishwasher filled with various components of sippy cups (multiple brands), bottles, and breast pump accessories. Challenge is to assemble and put away in an already-crowded cabinet as quickly and accurately as possible.
* Blowout with a Twist: Contender needs to change diaper blowout in public. The twist? There are only two wipes left in the diaper bag/purse/backpack. Oops! Speed matters as does overall cleanliness of child, child's outfit, parent's outfit, and physical surroundings.
* Screw you Previews: Contender inserts DVD (could be separate competitions for at-home systems versus vehicle systems) and deftly moves past previews and multiple menus to get the child's program of choice started as quickly as possible.
* DVR Star: Contender locates a specific episode of a children's program on DVR as quickly as possible, requiring him/her to decode cryptic, household-specific clues such as "Caillou magic" or "The Tom and Jerry with Tuffy" or "Tubby custard."
* Pack and Players: Assemble and sheet a pack n' play and then disassemble and pack into carrier bag. Timed trial.
* Winter Schminter: Find boots, hats, coats, and mittens for multiple children and get them into this gear in the same small area where said gear is shed upon coming in from the cold. Points lost if wet, dirty boots step off of the mat and onto the new carpet that you need to keep nice so you can sell your damn house . . . or something like that.
* Straw Maul: Contender approaches a table with a box of Capri Suns and must remove the juices from box and insert the attached straw (if you lose a straw, you are disqualified) without puncturing the juice pouch. Timed trial.
* The Chef Is In: Prepare your child's favorite meal as quickly as possible. Scores based upon speed but also overall healthfulness of the plate. (I can prepare nuggets with two dipping sauces, blackberries, and yogurt in my sleep, NTB, but I doubt the meal itself is medal-worthy).
* Sock it to Me: Contender given a laundry basket full of children's socks of multiple sizes and varieties. Socks must be matched and sorted by size. Extra points given for best effort to pair strays (i.e., slightly dirty 0-6 white sock partnered with dingy 12-24 one).
* Snap! Snap and Go Go Go: Remove infant seat from base and click securely into Snap N' Go. Then, remove infant seat, click back into the car, fold up Snap N' Go and toss into back of van.
* Stroller Roller: Fold and unfold a series of strollers of all makes and models as quickly as possible. The elite contenders in this division will also attach rain covers.

The above list is just an initial offering of the events at the Parent Olympics (working title). Keep in mind that for some events, contenders can choose to compete in various divisions: the solo division, the co-parent division, the one parent with baby on hip division, or the one parent with toddler attached to leg division, and possibly (admittedly for publicity and the sponsors) the celebrity parent with nanny division.
Of course, there are many more details to be worked out, like whether it should be a USA-only event, at least to start, or an international one (and, if so, how does that change the events). How or whether to customize events for parents of multiples or multiple children. Thoughts on events geared toward parents of older children . . . The list goes on.
Here's what I need from you for now: more event ideas. Go ahead and be selfish. What events could you medal in in the Parent Olympics (working title)? Don't worry, I'll give credit where credit is due when this event becomes a nationwide craze.
And, of course, we still need a name. Please share all your suggestions in the comments and remember to keep carb-loading because every day is a training day.


Stacia said...

I've got an event: "Dinnertime Rush" event. Somebody needs more cheese, somebody needs more ketchup, somebody needs more milk, no make that juice, somebody dropped their apple on the floor and now it's covered with offensive dog hair ... and on and on. (I could totally win this, NTB.)

As for a title, how about a play on the BCS, like the Sippy Cup Championship Series! We may not, however, be taken as seriously as we would like with such a title.

Actchy said...

My sister has been talking about this for YEARS. Like, the exact same thing. Olympics. For mommies.

Can we have a pregnancy division? I recall telling my sister I would totally medal in the "sharing a shower with a 20 month old while 8 months pregnant with twins" event.

I'm currently in training for the "nurse 3 month old twins for the last time of the day and get them ready for bed while simultaneously attempting to feed/pajama/read to a 2 year old" event. Right now, I'm nowhere near even qualifying. I hope to improve soon, though.

Lady Jennie said...

This is just so awesome I have to tweet it. I couldn't improve upon it though.

Sue and Randy said...

I have nothing to add except this post helped me go from 95% to 100% sure that I am so done with babies! Just reading all this took me back to all those crazy feats of strength I no longer have to deal with since my youngest is out of diapers and never uses a stroller. But I'll watch my local listings, as I'm sure this will be a nationwide hit!

Erin said...

This post had me laughing out loud while trying to pump. That is one event that I could totally medal in. How to pump 8 oz of milk to include setup and tear down time under 15 mins....and while pumping emailing or reading ntb posts on phone.

We could call it UPC, Ultimate Parenting Championship?

Anonymous said...

Hilarious post, MEP!

I'm currently training for "I Can Nurse While I..." event. I can walk, load dishes, and even wipe another child's bum. It ain't pretty though.

Sara G.

E... said...

Oh yes, I'm working on ALL of those, most esp. that Nursing While.. one.
The one I can't seem to get past the qualifying rounds is something like "Baby Transfer" wherein you move baby from sleeping position on your chest into his own bed without waking him. Am working on all sorts of technique -- closest is something like the 'Indiana Jones' where you keep pressure on the chest with your hand then swap it for blanket or some other non-suffocating toy.

CaraBee said...

Of course, I love this idea! Clever and witty as always, Ms. Mep.

I would probably medal in the Seating Event, wherein a parent has to get a kicking, screaming toddler strapped into their carseat while they buck and writhe around. This is generally done in a driving rain for maximum effect.

Also, I'm with Sue and Randy in that this makes me all that much more certain that I'm One and Done.

Mrs.Mayhem said...

I challenge ANYONE to top me in the Screw You Preview competition!

I have no additions or suggestions, MEP. You are so clever!

Sharon Byrne said...

I have an event for you. It's "Finding Clothing That Is Both School Acceptable And Clean". The event takes place in the dark early morning before sunrise and your first cup of coffee and includes hunting grounds of disorganized drawers and piles of unfolded laundry. There is a Masters' Division which has the added obstacle of needing to be performed within the time constraints of "getting up late".

Seriously funny post. Had to tweet it.

Anonymous said...

i think the parent olympics is a wonderful idea. i think there should be an endurance event....maybe some kind of suicide event where the named events are combined all at once or something to do with sleep deprivation. good topic! rita

dusty earth mother said...

I have to say that I like "Iron Mom". Is it really taken? And the getting the straw into the juice box thing? This is where my chance for a medal would disappear.

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